Monday 18 June 2012

Birkenhead.

I felt like a bit of a fucking moan so I thought I'd come onto here and unleash my intense anger that I have towards Birkenhead as a town and the people of Birkenhead.

First of all, what the fuck is Birkenhead? Who put it there? Why is it looking at our amazingly scouse city?

It's a place of darkness, people grow up to and have ambitions of serving sausage rolls in Sayers and Greggs. There is no such thing as 'getting new clothes for a bank holiday' there and all of the birds wear white reebok classics. I haven't even started yet, I went to Birkenhead once, it was to go to that fucking crazy/dangerous/peado filled baths when I was about 7. I must have fronted about 7 kids because I lost my goggles and wanted a new fucking pair. Once your accent is heard over there you're treated differently, I went on the slides 1st, when I wanted and how I fucking wanted.. head fucking first with my shorts down to my ankles and pulling a fat fucking mooney. That was the last and both the first time I ever went to Birkenhead.

Anyway, enough of my childish antics.

In Birkenhead there is no difference between a big issue seller and a fucking top boss in Halifax, both wearing shite suits and looking rough the next day. I've seen a pigeon in L1 with better fucking clobber and pride than one of them retards. You expect a pigeon in town to move out your way? You better fucking think again, It needs volleying before it will even take notice of you being there.

I'm a proud person and I fucking love liverpool but I don't see why we offer a ferry service, crossing people over from Birkenhead.  In my opinion there should be fucking border force standing at the Albert Dock with a fucking checklist that looks like this:

Anyone wearing these items will be sent back:

  • White Reebok Classics
  • FILA socks - white and over the trackie bottoms
  • Silver chains
  • Sovereigns
  • Caps
  • England football tops (Because Birkenhead F.C are fucking shit)
  • Jeans with rips in. Why?
  • Pyjamas
Along with these items you must also own:
  • A full set of teeth
  • A scar free face
  • An arm that doesn't contain a bad tattoo
  • Ferry fair back to Birkenhead (Same day return)
  • Vinyl gloves (No touching Liverpool)
  •  Proof of never appearing on The Jeremy Kyle Show
  • A matching set of black socks
Moving on to the people of Birkenhead, what do they fucking eat? I've seen a fucking Oxfam campaign with an Ethiopan looking more healthy and with a better glow. I'm sure they all know they're fucking ugly so they all come out at night and nobody ends up with a fucking tan.

When I was there I didn't seem to see any job opportunites so I can imagine the citizens have took it upon themselves to create jobs for themsleves like 'top fingerer of the city' where a man will offer sweaty, pink Lacoste trackied up birds a finger for the hour in return for the end of a ciggy.

I did however notice there was a Boots. This shop happens to sell toothbrushes and toothpaste, so why do these creatures insist on spending their dole money on a fucking packet of Haribo's hoping to get their bird a fucking jelly ring for their anniversary?

I'm also sure Birkenhead, infact I'm going to start calling it Jerkinhead. In Jerkinhead incestualism is a fucking sport, brother bang sisters, uncles bang nieces, it's a whole different fucking ball game over there. The majority of them can lick their elbows and count to 7 on one fucking hand. 

They do have some sort of joy within themselves and it's when they all meet up, in car parks, to compare fucking shit cars. Proper shit cars though, a car I wouldnt get a lift home in if the fucking thunder and lightning was out. They take too much pride in them shitty little microwaves on wheels and not enough on themselves. Sitting in the McDonalds car park listening to a bit of Blackout Crew - Put A Donk On It and having a laugh dring Tizer. I mean come on, who the fuck in the right mind drinks Tizer?.. On a fucking Tuesday night?

This blog in short:
  • Birkenhead is shit
  • Fingers wet central
  • Don't SOOP up your car
  • Tizer is for victims

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